Someone has it worse than you. How many times have you heard those words? Or, even said them about yourself. I shouldn’t complain because someone has it worse than me. It’s not that bad, there are so many others suffering worse.
When someone else tells you that others have it worse it is hurtful and it serves only to dismiss and diminish your pain and suffering. It’s not cool and we shouldn’t allow them to do it. However, it’s a bit different when we are the ones making the comparison.
When we compare our situation to others and see that others have it worse, it can actually be a good thing. It can decrease the negative feelings that we have about our situation, and even the depression that often comes with chronic illness.
Downward Social Comparison – When It’s Good That Someone Has it Worse Than You
Downward Social Comparison is a psychological theory that involves thinking about others in relation to yourself. Specifically it’s about comparing yourself to others who are in some way inferior or less fortunate than yourself. Downward social comparison is something that we all do but it seems that those of us in the chronic illness community debate whether it’s a good thing. And, I think I’ve finally figured out the answer.
What is Downward Social Comparison?
Downward Social Comparison is basically when we look around for the people who are doing worse than us (in whatever form that may take), we compare ourselves to them and we say “Hey, seeing that person doing worse than me makes me feel a little better about my situation.”
Living with chronic illness we often hear that we shouldn’t feel bad because someone does have it worse than us. Remember the old “I was sad I had no shoes until I saw the man with no feet…”
These comparisons are fine for us to make for ourselves, but it feels like crap when someone else makes these comparisons for us.
If we choose to look around and compare ourselves to someone who has it worse, we can often feel better. We can smile a bit and say “whew, I’m glad that’s not me, maybe my pain isn’t so bad.”
Or, “I can’t imagine having to endure the pain that they endure, so maybe I can handle what I’m dealing with.” Things like that help us feel better. But, looking around on our own and thinking those thoughts is very different from having someone else tell us we should think that way.
Why is that?
Pretty simple. When someone else says “others have it worse” or something like that to us, it feels like that person is dismissing our situation and our pain. It feels like they don’t feel that what we are going through is enough.
Yes, we know it could be worse, but we don’t need someone else to tell us that. When others tell us that it could be worse it’s like throwing gas on the fire that we already feel, and the fire that explodes is aimed at the person who tells us to think that way.
Instead of feeling better, we look at that person and think “Wow. You really don’t get it!”
Why is that? It’s because that person actually has no idea how we feel, or how bad our situation is. They don’t know what they are comparing, and instead of accepting and understanding that we are hurting and that we are facing pain of our own, they disregard it and tell us it’s nothing. At least that’s how it feels.
Is Downward Social Comparison a Good Thing?
Yes, it’s a great thing when we do it ourselves because we choose to do it.
However, it’s not a good thing to do to others. Yes, it does make us feel better to know that others have it worse than we do. And, it’s good for our self-esteem and self-view to look around and find those people.
But, it’s terrible for our self-esteem when those who claim to love us point those people out to us and not just providing a shoulder and being understanding that no matter how many people have it worse, we are having a rough time, too.
- You Don’t Know (a poem)
- Don’t envy the lives of others – you don’t know the whole story
- 4 Things I Need to Remember to Help Me Get Through Bad Days
- Are you wishing your life away?