Unless you were already sick before you met your partner, it’s highly likely that your relationship took a drastic change when you became ill. Perhaps you had a great sex life, you went out often and did lots of things together, you traveled, you enjoyed life. I know that’s how it was with my marriage.
Then I got sick and we discovered that there is an impact of chronic illness on marriage.
Since then we’ve had ups and downs. We’ve had times where I felt good enough that our lives (and sex lives) seemingly returned to normal. We put my illness out of our minds and enjoyed life again. And then, BOOM, there it was. Something would happen that would remind us that it wasn’t over, that I AM actually chronically ill and that this illness is going to be a part of our lives forever.
For almost two years I was feeling good again. Thanks to major diet and lifestyle changes I was feeling good. The pain was minimal, if at all, and energy levels returned to normal. So did our sex life. At least for a little while.
Then sudden abdominal/pelvic pain ruined the fun. Two surgeries later and I was doing well again and once again things looked normal for a while and then BOOM there it was again. A shoulder injury that resulted in serious pain for even minor movement = Sex Life Dead.
Deny it as much as we might like, but sex is an important part of a marriage. It’s a need that SHOULD be fulfilled. When needs aren’t being met, we struggle, we stress, we fight. And that goes for any need within a relationship. There are two sides of this coin and neither of them are very pretty.
In 2017, I divorced my husband. I would not say that the failure of our marriage was completely due to chronic illness. I think there were a lot of factors as far as personality that affected how we interacted with each other. That said, I do feel that things really started falling apart after I hurt my shoulder in 2014. I’d been doing well for about 2 years prior and that injury sent us into a tailspin.
We don't choose to be chronically ill, but we can make choices that lead to happiness. Share on XWe went through couples counseling with two different counselors and it only got slightly better. Over the course of the next few years, even as my health improved again, we were strained. There was a lot of resentment on both sides that had built up as a result of what transpired when I hurt my shoulder. In the end, I felt I would be happier if we were no longer married. So far, that has proven correct.
On one side you have the chronically ill partner. They have needs, too – sexual, physical, mental, emotional, spiritual.
Unfortunately, the chronic pain that comes with issues like Fibromyalgia get in the way of fulfilling not just sexual needs but physical needs in general. Even a hug is often painful so we are left feeling physically disconnected from those we love. That physical disconnection can often lead to a mental and emotional disconnect, when our loved ones misinterpret our lack of physical contact.
On the other side is the healthy partner who, while they see that their partner is hurting, doesn’t always disconnect their partner’s pain from their own. Instead of stopping to think about how much pain their partner is in and how much their partner is missing out on because of the pain, the healthy partner will often focus on what their partner is not GIVING them. This can cause them to withdraw or even lash out in anger.
The withdrawal by the healthy partner often leads to a vicious circle where the ill partner withdraws to protect themselves, leading to resentment on both sides.
So, what can you do to reduce the impact of chronic illness on marriage? It’s easier said than done. However, I’d suggest two things.
1. Get Counseling.
Every couple who finds that they are facing chronic illness should seek out a marriage counselor to help them work through and voice the feelings that come up in relation to these issues. It can be hard to talk about sex in front of someone who is basically a stranger, but it may be necessary to get a third person involved in order for both partners to be honest. It’s important to start this process early.
A good counselor is vital to coping with chronic illness both solo and as part of a relationship. I’d really suggest that if you can you see a counselor on your own as well as a different counselor as a couple. This will give you a chance to work through any personal issues related to your illness, or otherwise, but also set the stage for the improved communication you will need as you face chronic illness together.
2. Get Support.
Find a good support group for each partner. Not only should the chronically ill partner be involved in a good support group of others who share the illness and can relate to what they are going through, but the healthy partner should be actively involved in a “Caregiver” support group with other partners who can identify with the struggles he (or she) is going through.
It’s important that each spouse try to understand their partner’s point of view. The healthy spouse needs to take time to realize that the ill partner is also missing out on life. The ill spouse also needs to realize that their illness does affect everyone around them. Focusing only on how the changes are affecting you will only lead to increased resentment.
Yes, at times we might be so ill that we don’t think about all that we are missing (and sometimes that’s a good thing), but more often we know what we are missing and it’s depressing.
It’s that feeling of having life pulled out from under us that leads to the depression that is so common with those who are chronically ill.
It’s also important to remind ourselves that they obviously love us. It’s also important for both parties to show love even if it’s not sexually. Intimacy is important even when you live with chronic illness. While we don’t have the choice to walk away from our chronic illness, they do. The fact that they stay says a lot about them, and about how much they really do love us.
neveragain says
I live with chronic illness which I got in marriage. My ex wife frequently humiliated me because I had a hard time meeting her needs or expectations when I was going through profound health problems. I was scared to leave the marriage with serious health problems but I divorced her anyway. The head games are now easy for me to predict and stop. I feel much better now that I am living a life with less stress. Court was a nightmare. Being accused of things I didn’t do. But was still much better than the marriage plus I saw light at the end of the table. If anyone out there is being abused while chronically ill. Go to the hospital the next time they hurt you. Get a restraining order and divorce them. At least you will get them out of your house for a while.
Renee says
I’m the wife with the chronic illness. I have a very rare and painful disease called adiposis dolorosa. I have benign lipomas throughout my body that cause pain when they press a n nerves or organs, and sometimes when they are touched firmly. My concern about intimacy is the other end of the spectrum than most who have commented here. Sometimes it is ME who needs the oneness that sexual intimacy gives, even if I’m in pain. About 8 months ago, my husband quit making love to me…..even being flirtatious or any kind of kissing or touching. I was fearful that he was having an affair (again). When I asked him about it, he said that he simply couldn’t keep dong something to me that would cause me pain. He said when we had sex, then I was up all night or the next day crying because I was in soo much pain, it was more than he could bear. I’ve tried to assure him that our marriage is worth the physical pain! Sometimes I just need his touch and kisses to know that he still loves me and is attracted to me. (This stupid illness has caused me to gain about 50 pounds from what my normal weight was 12 years ago.) I’ve lost my job, my friends, my ability to be active in church or in the community. My adult children don’t understand what I’m going through. There are times that I just need something to seem constant and stable. However, our marriage has been sexless…..even almost touchless, for about 8 months. Any input from the healthy spouses who deal with feeling like sex “hurts” their ill spouses would be greatly appreciated.
Julie says
Renee, I am so sorry you are struggling in this way. You are right now matter how sick we are we need intimacy. Have you talked to him about just holding and kissing each other? If it’s the sex itself that leaves you hurting then perhaps try just leaving that part off and being intimate as much as you can without it creating pain. Are you in couples therapy? If not, I’d highly recommend it as often it’s the only to really openly discuss things in a way that gets through to the other party.
Mary says
My husband has gained 100 lbs over our 3+ decade marriage. Along with that: high bp, impotence (corrected ultimately with an implant), separate sleeping due to husband’s bad back and severe sleep apnea. He also has Meneires disease controlled by diet. I’m in good health and normal weight. I have planned or overseen the family’s mgmt all these years. I’ve expressed my frustrations, and he basically says, I never planned so you can’t expect me to now. Throw in a lot of demands on our time, and you have a recipe for no time together. Intimacy, on the rare occasion it happens, is unfulfilling. I’m married living like roommates.
Julie says
It sounds like your husband isn’t putting much into his healthcare, and maybe has given up. Depression plays such a huge part in these illnesses. Does your husband see a therapist to help him cope? Do you? Unfortunately, if you are dealing with someone (regardless of health) who isn’t interested in putting forth effort, there’s only so much you can do.
Cathy Williams says
This is a subject that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to write about. I’m not embarrassed about any of it (I’m used to teaching med students who try to wind you up!) rather I have painful memories with it.
My first husband was very cruel when I became sick. He shouted at me in hospital because I’d ruined his weekend and I had a stroke minutes later in front of him. A few months later he woke me in the middle of the night and said he didn’t love me and didn’t want to be with a cripple. He was already having an affair. Him leaving me was the best thing he could have done for me though as he was very neglectful and emotionally harming me to the point where I was suicidal. He was a nightmare.
I’m now remarried to a wonderful man who has never known me to be well. He doesn’t know the old me. I think that’s why we work so well. He accepted me and my daughter for who were are. Even though my health has got worse each year we’ve been together I’m so much happier and I feel supported. I think some people simply can’t handle illness whereas others are naturally more caring by nature. I try not to take things personally (although that is really hard) as I didn’t do anything to make myself ill and not everyone is strong enough to handle it either. Sadly sometimes it is best to move on and start over. I know many who have been where I was and my heart goes out to them.
On a cheeky note, hubs will have to remain frustrated for a little while as I’ve just had gyny surgery and he will just have to wait! 😛
Julie says
So sorry you went through that, but so glad to hear that you have a good man now. It’s a tough topic to talk about but I think it’s one we need to share.
Jodie says
Thank you for showing me I have a glimmer of hope! If only my family would see this response and post! My husband of 14 yrs (been together 20) resents the new “chronically ill me”. Unfortunately I was such a go-getter, full of life, worked several jobs whole putting myself through college and getting my Master’s. I did everything, made good money, never seemed to need sleep. My husband used to get upset because he said I had OCD in regards to cleaning. I cooked 3 full meals a day, would bake, garden, canning, and you name it – I did it! Well he can only seem to remember the old me. He reminds me daily of what a piece of crud I am. Yet he refuses to pitch in. Futhermore we had 2 boys to add to the mix. Now he has them convinced how worthless I am. They are 13 and 9. As they get older they treat me more and more like my husband does. I think all the negativity is so hard to overcome much less help me to feel good about myself, what I have become, what I am not, who o will never be… All I can think about is ending my life. I want out so bad. I try to tell my family this and they are NOT supportive in helping me leave. Not one family member will let me stay with them, instead they give kudos to my spouse for dealing WITH ME! Telling me how lucky I am that he has stayed with me, no man will ever want me. True words – they say this all the time. I can no longer work full time. I live in rural Iowa where you have to drive 45 min + one way to get to work. So I am limited to any job because I am too exhausted to make the commute part even work out! So I have no money to get a place of my own. I am stuck in a prison it feels like. I don’t know what to do! I dream of someday having a new spouse who will somewhat understand me. I am certain if I can ever escape I WILL feel better and be a new person. Your post made me smile. I hope one day I can find happiness and better health in a new life. Big hugs. Thanks again.
Julie says
Oh my goodness Jodie. I’m so sorry you are going through this and that that people who should love you the most are treating you this way. You deserve better. Are you getting disability? Have you applied? It might be worth looking at just to have some income of your own. This situation is going to make you sicker, as you are getting the worst kind of “support”.
LouisVA says
Julie, I apologize for the double post – I commented above. Great post, Julie! I am also a chronic pain patient and I am so fortunate to have my wife being my best friend, lover, and a tireless advocate. We just celebrated our 42nd wedding anniv. on January 20.
Julie says
Those of us with supportive partner’s are certainly lucky! I am happy to have mine.
Jennifer Hall says
My husband is chronically ill and I write about what we go through all the time, but this is still one aspect I haven’t had the courage to write about. You explained what both people feel well.
Julie says
It’s a hard subject to tackle, one that most of us barely want to talk about openly. I wish we could more so that we’d all understand that we aren’t alone (or abnormal).
Heather says
This was a very inspiring and informational post. While I’m not married and not currently dating anyone, I do have fears that my chronic illness will get in the way of relationships and be too much for the other person to handle. In fact, this has happened.
Julie says
It will happen, some people just aren’t cut out for being a caregiver, and that’s ok. They aren’t the people we are meant to be with. You will find your someone who is the kind of person who can handle loving someone with chronic illness.
Heather Hammel says
Thank you so very much for the hope!!!
Rachael @ Love Yourself Green says
Hi Julie! Thanks for this article and for sharing. I feel for you with all of your struggles, for sure.
I, too, have Fibromyalgia and Endometriosis and last year I had a case of Candida Overgrowth/Leaky Gut that was so bad it left me bedridden for the bulk of the year. My husband was visibly depressed and worn from tending to me and worrying about me. I don’t know how we got through it, but we did! Now we’re stronger than ever and couldn’t be happier!!
I’m currently feeling better than I have in a very long time. My health started going downhill about a year after I met my husband and that was almost 10 years ago – so I’ve been sick for a long time.
Anyway, I drastically changed my diet, too, and found great success in finally getting well. I was feeling absolutely amazing until a month ago when I quit my Fibro med (Gabapentin). The withdrawal seems to have brought back the yeast overgrowth and some pain that I had long been rid of. That being said, I STILL feel so much better and I’m very active all day long. I’m sure that in time, I’ll get back to 100%. My doc thinks so, too. I’m definitely better off without the meds in the long run, for sure!
Let’s see, Endometriosis – that’s the one thing that still worries me a little. I’d like to say that I’ve fully rehabilitated that, too, but I haven’t completely. It’s not debilitating anymore, though – not even close. As a matter of fact, I started taking the green label of Great Lakes Gelatin and I’ve had the best pre-period week I’ve had in a long time! I don’t really get the pelvic pain too bad anymore, but the PMS was kind of a nightmare still. Seems that gelatin is helping somehow and I wanted to see if you’ve tried it??
Sorry, I’m rambling! I call that – #fibrobrain.. Lol.
Anyway, I’m very happy to have found your awesome blog and will share it with my Fibro friends. 🙂 I’m starting a site soon called Love Yourself Green. I used to blog over at Simply Fresh Cooking, but that was before I got really sick. I’m onto bigger and better things now! 🙂
Julie says
Hi Racheal,
I went through a 6 month (+) bout with a yeast infection that would not go away. I wish I knew what they gave me in Jamaica that finally knocked that sucker out. I still relapse occasionally and I try to make sure my probiotics are maintained. Kombucha has helped a lot with that, too (it’s a prebiotic). Keep that gut flora balanced, it helps a lot.
Rachael @ Love Yourself Green says
Oh, they gave you something in Jamaica?! Was it a prescription or something natural – or do you know?
Yeah, with me, we’re pretty sure it’s the brain/gut connection that’s causing my massive flare up. Quitting that icky med just threw everything out of balance in my gut… it really messes with your brain for sure. It’s been over a month now and my mild yeast infections don’t seem to be going anywhere. I’m just about the most perfect person you’ll find on a no sugar, no processed food, no gluten/wheat/grains diet and I don’t ever cheat. I like feeling good, so it’s totes worth it! Hahaha. I also take 1 trillion CFU’s of probiotics every day, along with fermented foods – so I’m overloaded on the good bacteria. That’s what helped me get better the fastest, I think. I started on a few other natural ACD treatments recently, too – like Candida Support, oregano oil and coconut oil… wish me luck! I think that once this clears up, the baby Fibro flare will go away again, too. Those yeastie beasties are HARD to get rid of – that’s for sure!
Now somebody shut me up! LOL. 🙂
You didn’t say if you’d ever taken gelatin, btw…
Julie says
I haven’t taken gelatin. It was a prescription that they gave me in Jamaica, two actually (vaginal and oral).
Julie says
I did the Candida Support not long ago when I was having another bout with yeast (not as bad as the pre-Jamaica bout) and I can’t really say if it helped. I swear I have tried everything for them – even going so far as to insert garlic (it didn’t work).
Good luck. I do hope you get yours cleared up quick.
Uttam Kumar says
Hi, I am one of the victims of Chronic Illness resulting a failed marriage and yes, it does eat up the relationship specially if one of them, specially the caregiver gets frustrated or weak. Its important to understand their stand as well and I fully respect the views.
Julie says
I’m really sorry to read that you lost your marriage to chronic illness. It’s not easy on anyone, I honestly can’t imagine trading places with my husband.
Allyson says
Thank you for this very honest and encouraging piece. When I married nearly seven years ago I was in a period of stable health (I had been diagnosed with lupus, fibromyalgia and CFS ten years prior). Then in 2010 my father passed after a long illness, my health declined and I never fully recovered. In 2011 I had to stop working completely. Intimacy certainly was impacted even more than it already was. Of course illness does more than effect marriage on the intimacy level; I lost my income and a large part of my identity, I was wrapped up in grieving my old life and this interfered with our connection, then there is the financial strain that comes with losing an income (albeit a part time one). While my husband would never attend therapy of any kind or attend a support group, I have to say in the last two years we have been successful at dealing with these issues on our own and united as one. It begins with friendship being the basis of our relationship. I also had to learn to communicate my needs and thoughts verbally free of the shame illness has created. My husband knows that I have an emotional need for his touch, that I love him more than anything, and that helps him cope with the “dry spells” that happen when my body is simply too exhausted to give us what we both desire. I encourage intimacy on my good days, I communicate the severity of my symptoms on the bad days. It is about adjusting expectations. Sometimes, on those really bad days, our form of intimacy is just laying in bed, holding hands. It certainly qualifies. We have to appreciate the quality of our intimacy when quantity just isn’t possible. Thanks again for your wise words and being so open about an issue that I know impacts so many people like us.
Julie says
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It’s great that you’ve been able to find a common ground and learn to work together to figure out how to communicate with each other. Guilt/ shame are huge issues for me, and I struggle constantly to convince myself that those are emotions I’m putting on myself and not emotions that he’s giving me. We are still learning, most importantly I’m still learning, still trying to realize that in the end I have to be understanding and appreciative of myself before anyone else can. Have you been in counseling on your own along the way?
Allyson says
Hi Julie, sorry I’m just getting to this reply now. 🙁 To answer your question, no, i have not been to counseling on my own, though it is something I have considered strongly and I am still open to that idea. Certainly it can never hurt to sit down and talk to someone. I wish you comfort and strength moving forward, not only with your symptoms but in learning to let go of the guilt/shame we all grapple with. <3
Julie says
And I you. Personal counseling has helped me a good bit, as has the couples counseling together. I know there are things I have to work on on my own in order to be able to put my best foot forward with him. Hugs.
Tiffany says
Thank you for this comment, it really encourages me as my husband and I have been having to learn to do the same. Appreciate the quality when the quantity isn’t possible. In some ways, I feel this has actually brought us closer than before.
MIKE KOHEL says
Really enjoyed it as my chronic illnesses has come in between me and my wife.
Julie says
Thank you. It’s great to hear from a guy who understands that perspective (although I’m sorry that you have to understand it).