Social support makes a huge difference in how we manage our illness. Too often, though, we push our support away and try to do it all on our own. The struggle is that our illness has taken so much of our independence away that we want to do anything we can on our own, often to our own detriment. As people reach out to help us we often push the help (and eventually them) away.
I did this early on in my illness. I was hurting (physically and mentally). And, because of that pain I often lashed out at others who were only trying to help. I didn’t see what they were doing as help at the time, but that was their goal. The problem was with communication. They could see that I needed help and rather than asking what I needed or how they could help and talking with me about it, they just did things. In doing so, they stepped on my toes and hurt my pride. Because my pride was hurt, I lashed out and pushed them away.
If we have people around us at all we are lucky, we have no idea how lucky we are. So, why do we lash out and push them away?
Social support is a huge factor in how we handle our illness. Unfortunately, it’s less about what others are doing for us than it is about knowing that they are there if we need them. Studies have shown that simply knowing help is near by is better for our well-being than actually getting help when we need it. Perhaps this is because our pride takes a little hit when we take help. It’s funny how that works, our pride takes a hit when we receive help, but our pride gets a huge BOOST when we give help to others.
Maybe if we can look at accepting help as being selfless and giving rather than as it taking something away from us, we would be able to more easily accept help.
When we have a strong social support network (even if it’s a small one) there is give and take. We don’t keep track of who owes what, we don’t expect reciprocation, we just give where we can. I have a few friends that fall into this category. One friend of mine and I have for years alternated paying for lunch when we go out. We have no idea if it’s even at this point, because one of us will just grab the check. “But you did it last time…” “I’ll get it next time…” sometimes it works out that the other grabs the next check, sometimes it doesn’t. But, we don’t really keep track. We just know there will be a next time and that’s what’s most important.
Research (Schaefer, Coyne, & Lazarus, 1981; Wills, 1991) has found that there are at least four types of social support that improve mental and physical health.
•Informational support – providing advice and useful information about health-related topics. I’m sure that many of us would debate this one as we’ve often received way too much of it. The truth though is that when we are given this type of help in the right way we appreciate it, we think on it, and often we will research it on our own and maybe even follow through with it.
•Instrumental support – providing physical assistance. Whether it’s physical care, money, or services that you might need. Often this is the support that we need most but have a really hard time asking for. Or, these are the things we find it easiest to ask for. These are the big things, the ride to the doctor, money to pay a bill. These aren’t things we are likely to ask just anyone for, and those we do ask should know that just by us asking we are telling them that they are very important to us and that we trust them in our most vulnerable states.
•Companionship support – just being there. Simply spending time with someone is a huge thing. Sometimes that’s really all that we need, and often it’s so hard to ask for. I don’t know why, but at least for me, it seems like this is the hardest thing to ask for, like by asking I’m putting them out in the biggest way. By asking for this type of support I think I’m also showing vulnerability in the biggest way. To admit that we need someone to just be there, to talk with us, to hold us, why is that so hard?
•Emotional support – giving of acceptance and love, providing comfort and intimacy. This falls right in line with companionship as you really can’t get emotional support without companionship. At the same time, it’s the next step. It’s one thing to let someone be there, to just sit next to you, but another thing to open up and really share how scared you are, to risk that level of vulnerability.
Simply knowing that support is available makes a huge difference in our sense of self and sense of control over life and our illness. Unfortunately, too often accepting support results in negative outcomes. We do as I did and we lash out because our pride gets hurt. In turn, we lose our social support by pushing them away or because they step away. We do have a choice, though, we can choose how we view social support. We can decide that it’s not only OK to accept support but that it’s good for us, that in doing so we are not so much asking for help, but letting others help us, we are giving them a gift and lifting their sense of self-worth and pride. We are letting others help us because we love them.
PLC says
So far I haven’t found people like this who really want to help, so I haven’t really had the experience of pushing it away. I always wonder where people find friends like that. Everyone I’ve had actually does keep score and it was so exhausting having to explain why I needed this or that and why they had to do more than I could; they really didn’t understand and resented it. It was a no-won situation and it always ended badly. I came to believe after many years that most people are like that and that friends like you describe only exist in books or movies; not in real life. Nowadays although it would be nice to have real live friends I don’t have the energy to deal with the drama that comes with it and I don’t think I could deal with it emotionally. I’m pretty beaten down by life at this point.
Julie says
Pippit, I’m really sorry to read this. There are real friends out there. I’m not saying that every one around us is this way (obviously, there are plenty who are in life for themselves). But, there are those who will help if we give them the chance. I understand, too, how difficult it is to expend the energy to make new friends at this point. The older we get the harder making friends gets, then add in chronic illness and low (or no) energy and often seems impossible. But, remember, friends are not just those people who surround you in person, often the best friends are those we never meet face to face. I know I’ve made some amazing friends here online, who have helped me in so many ways – when I’m willing to ask (and sometimes even when I don’t).
Julie says
Julie R.,
thank you for today’s post. Not only did I read it twice (to help me remember!) but I’ve been reading your “high lighted” links on your post as well. I’ve been reading & reading & taking it all in – I kept getting tears in my eyes from the feeling of connection & understanding & relating. Perhaps today is a better brain day because I usually can not finish reading our posts due to my thick brain fog. It can be troublesome… Six years ago I lost my job due to my chronic illness & since then it seems like I continue to suffer from losses in every area of my life – like slowly pulling a band-aid off… One thing I do know is that this whole experience with health issues has been a great life lesson each & every day… Thank you for your efforts with your frequent posts. I don’t see how you do it & continue to have the clarity of mind. Thank you for inspiring me. I’ve been kinda sad today & that’s ok… julie v.
Julie says
Hi Julie,
During my worst days of Fibro I can’t think much at all. The first couple of years I did good to listen to an audio book, so I do understand that reading can be really difficult at times. I’m glad you are having good days and I’m really glad that I can help at all. I know how hard it is when you feel alone, and no one around you really understands what you are going through. But, you aren’t alone. Reach out when you can and/or need to.