When you live with chronic illness, you find that advice comes at you from every direction. Everyone you speak to seems to know everything about your illness and exactly what you should do to feel better. All that advice is overwhelming…
- Eat this
- don’t eat that!
- Exercise more!
- Don’t exercise too much.
- You just need to learn to relax….
- You just need a hobby
- Here, take this supplement
- Have you tried a hot bath?
- There’s that new medication on tv…
- Dr. Oz says….
- You just need to get more sleep.
- You sleep too much…
- You’ve really just got to fight through it.
- Just ignore the pain.
- Have you tried pain medications?
- You should meditate more.
- Just pray and let God take care of it…
And the list goes on and on. No wonder we are stressed. We try everything because we really do want to feel better, and then we end up feeling guilty that we haven’t done enough.
I’ve gone down ever rabbit trail that I’ve come across… well almost. Even I have limits. I exercise regularly. I’ve drastically overhauled my diet, removing gluten, as well as most processed foods, dairy, and eggs. I juice daily. I take several supplements, and a few medications. And yet I’m still sick. I feel better than I did three years ago, but I’m still sick. And any additional stress or changes to my “schedule” only aggravate the situation. Between one class and (what feels like) a dozen doctor appointments, throw in stormy weather and I’m just plum worn out. All I have energy for is a nap. Where I was knocking out my to-do list right and left, now it’s just sitting there on hold while I study and sleep. Eat? Ain’t nobody got time for that. Heck, I don’t even have an appetite because when I think about eating all I think about is the incredible bloating, pain, and gas that will likely follow. So, I avoid eating which, of course, just makes me feel even worse.
So, yes, I’m fully aware that I’m making a bad situation worse and trust me there is no lack of guilt over it. In fact, guilt is my current top emotion. Guilt is like my new best friend. No matter what I’m doing at that moment, I’m also feeling guilty about something I’m not doing. See! I AM a multi-tasker!
I realize this post turned a bit into a rant, but I think those who are with me understand, and for those who may be a little confused, I’ll leave you with a bit of advice. When you are considering giving health advice to your chronically ill friend, just don’t. We love you and deep down we know that you you the best intentions at heart. But, really it’s our body and don’t you think we’ve likely tried it all? If you want to share something you saw, great just shoot us a quick note “hey, saw this and thought of you”. Leave it at that. We’ll likely take a look and we’ll know you were well-intentioned, and if by some chance it’s new information to us, we might dig deeper and thank you later. If you never hear a word from us on it, just take that to mean it was something we were already well aware of. It’s not that we don’t appreciate your desire to help, but sometimes your help just doesn’t feel that way.
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Keisha says
So true! For the most part, the “advice” and “suggestions” from friends and family come from a good place but it can be triggering. Being asked if I’ve tried something makes me want to scream and give them a ridiculous amount of things I’ve tried or am currently trying!
Claire says
“We try everything because we really do want to feel better, and then we end up feeling guilty that we haven’t done enough.”
Exactly!! I don’t even need all the ‘advice’ from friends to stress me out – I do that plenty well enough on my own. I’m currently trying an air filter (cross EVERYTHING – I really hope this works), but I’m writing back-up plans in case it doesn’t work. My options? A 72-hour fast to ‘reset’ my immune system. Supplementing – basically just throwing anything at my body in the hopes that it helps. Hypnotherapy to help me go to sleep. Further testing in the hopes that there is something else wrong with me (if it were treatable, that would be awesome!).
Worry, guilt, stress – it’s always there!
Julie says
totally understand. We feel like “what haven’t we tried” and that we must try everything or we might miss that one elusive thing that could have done it. Or we find things that help a little but not enough overall to stick to them regularly, so we don’t, then we feel guilty that aren’t doing that little thing that could make us feel 1% better. If we do enough of those 1% things eventually we’ll get to 100% right?! LOL We are so silly.
Trisha Pearson says
It’s so true. So often the well intentioned advice just ends up being insulting. When I hear, “Have you tried exercising?” I feel like sarcastically saying “no, I’ve just been laying on the couch for the last eleven years doing nothing to help myself. My dog walks herself and I own all those exercise DVDs just because I like watching them over and over.”
Julie says
Perhaps you should reply that way. I know I have once or twice. Although, it’s probably not very helpful.
bobbye reed says
Julie Thanks so much for this post, It would take me too long to go into some information about me
so at this time I just want to let you Know its people like you who take the time to post these encouraging
bits of experiences, the good, bad and the ugly that we as chronic pain sufferers go through on a daily basis, and the advice you give to help us cope with some things that puts me in a deppression , because people just don’t get it, some try to and then there are others(family&close friends)who have just walked
right out of my life as if I am invisible. So I Just Want To Say I needed to read this so bad, I been on vacation since last week and am headed home tomorrow and can’t wait to return.. I’ve heard it all, I haven’t seen most of my family in over 8 yrs and I’m not the same and may never be but I’m ok with me
Time to put my life on track with the help of people like yourself and support groups, it’s too stressful trying
to get people to understanding what Fibro has done too me. But I know I can live a normal life I just gotta set my boundries and use my spoons wisely .. Blessings to You and Gentle Hugs! Bobbye
Julie says
Bobbye, thank you for sharing. We have to stick together with those who do understand and share and encourage each other. I’m sorry it sounds like your vacation wasn’t as stress-free as it should have been, but I’m glad I could help a little bit.
Mukul says
Feelings are mutual.. love n emotions should be in action not words .. beautifully written .. loved it 🙂
Julie says
thank you.