Being vulnerable (or rather the inability to be) is probably one of my greatest weaknesses. There is a great risk in being vulnerable; one that I’ve taken in the past with very bad consequences so it makes me shy of taking that risk again.
I’m not very open about myself, even with those I would call my best friends. I don’t talk about myself much. I don’t share much. I’d rather listen, but there are times when I do want to talk, when I want someone to listen to me. When I want to be heard.
There are voices screaming out in my head “Someone please hear me!”. I just want someone to ask the right question because I won’t just come out with it. I want someone to really see me and see that I need help, but my mask works too well, even for those who know me best.
At least that’s what I have to believe, because if it didn’t work so well they’d see that I need help. They’d ask how they could help me. They’d offer to listen. I write this through tears and with the knowledge that even if they offered I’d likely still hold back, because that’s what I do. Because I fear being vulnerable.
Being vulnerable (or rather than inability to be) is probably one of my greatest weaknesses. Share on X
So, why do I have such a hard time opening up to people? Because I’ve had too many experiences of being burned. Of opening up and sharing my truth only to have it used against me, to have it shared beyond the circle of trust that I thought existed, to have the truth twisted in ways that I still can’t imagine. A few examples:
– In 8th grade there were several girls that I thought were my friends. One of those girls got me on the phone one night and started talking negatively about another one to get me to do the same. I fell for it only to find that the girl we were talking about was on the line as well.
– In 10th grade I told the girl that I thought was my best friend that the boy was “going with” and I had almost had sex. I stopped things and sent him home. This was right before Christmas and the boy was going out of town.
When we returned to school he wouldn’t speak to me. I thought it was because he was mad I stopped things.
I found out about 4 years later when I ran into him after we’d both graduated and matured a bit that the girl I thought was my best friend had twisted the story and told people that I said he’d tried to rape me. He did not, in fact he’d been a gentlemen even as he left.
I learned later that that was just one of many lies she told about me, many of which are still believed and spread. I heard about one from my now husband who just happened to work with a girl I went to school with.
– Also in high school I told a boy I liked a secret that I didn’t want anyone to know. I have no idea why I told him. He used that secret as ammo and held it over my head to get me to have sex with him.
He continued to hold it over my head every time I tried to break up with him. The threat was telling my mother said secret… then the threat was telling my mother that we’d had sex. He eventually did both.
Those are just some of the bigger examples of times when I’ve allowed myself to be vulnerable and trust in people only to have it thrown in my face. I know those examples were long ago (over 20 years) but they still hold power over me and they are still the reason I don’t trust people, the reason I don’t allow myself to be vulnerable.
I’m sure we all have a few examples like this. I don’t know many people who really allow themselves to be completely vulnerable. But, I do know that holding it in, holding in the truth, holding in the feelings, not talking about things serves no good purpose. It leads to depression, it leads to loneliness, and, in the end, it leaves us alone.
But, how do we break the cycle? How much do you share without stepping over a line? Obviously you don’t share everything with everyone? But, how do you know who to share what with? How do you have boundaries and still be vulnerable?
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Kathleen says
At the risk of being vulnerable, I self harm when things become too much for me, and this has been happening since highschool when I first experienced similar backstabbing. It doesn’t happen as often now, but I slipped up yesterday. I don’t know how to tell my closest friends and family the inside details of my life, so i tell my dogs. They’re the only ones who know the real me. Maybe they will always be the only ones, but at least my secrets are safe with them. Self harm is just as shameful to me as my illnesses. The inability to live a normal life is embarrassing to say the least.
Julie says
Kathleen, I’m so sorry to hear that. At least you can let out the secrets in some way. I think even journaling helps us to just let it out in a way and get it out of our head. You also have friends online that you can open up to and be vulnerable with and still hold a since of security/ anonymity. Please feel free to email me if you ever want to talk.
Denise says
It’s difficult or perhaps I should say: “Overwhelming,” dealing with Type 2 Diabetes (well managed), Rheumatoid Arthritis and now – Fibromyalgia – I find walking a great benefit, but on some days the fatigue & pain in the legs and feet threaten to disrupt this one activity I so enjoy. One morning I pushed myself as much as possible beyond the fatigue & pain to get the walk started. I held Kleenex tissue in one hand as tears started to flow. I felt extremely vulnerable because this was occurring in full view of the public if anyone happen upon me. The tears slowly absorbed as I enjoyed the view of nature as it quickened its attempt to play its role in distracting me from what the body was experiencing. Recently, a member from a community of Rheumatoid Arthritis patients commented that I already had the tools of coping as I wondered how to deal and cope with this diagnoses of Fibromyalgia. I don’t think it’s just a coincidence that I happen upon your blog. How glad I found you.
Julie says
Denise, thank you for sharing this. Your friend is right you have the tools in place it’s now just a matter of learning how and when to apply them to this new thing. I’m glad to meet you and I hope we will connect more in the future.
afibrofighter says
What a coincidence this should arrive in my email box today, as a new follower too!
Last night/earlier today I decided that’s it, Ive got to be more open I just haven’t got enough energy to keep giving without getting some understanding back, I love helping people, family & friends, I listen give what advice or whatever is needed as much as I can, I need to be asked first can you manage this today? no one asks me fibro is invisible and I put on the mask, just like so many of us do.
So I’m going to start using the spoon theory (ive explained it many times) those that choose to ignore me or can’t even be bothered to ask can I help or even tell me to sit down put my feet up will have to fall by the wayside. Trust is hard to build and even harder to accept, I’ll be finding out who Ive misplaced my trust in over the coming weeks.
Julie says
People really don’t realize how much energy it takes to just sit and listen to others. We have a voice and we have things we need to share, we need to be listened to as well.