Depression is probably the most evil thing to come with chronic pain, but for many of us depression is something we were fighting long before the chronic pain took hold. I mostly dealt with anxiety prior to chronic illness. Depression showed up occasionally, but it wasn’t the type of thing that I couldn’t beat. Until chronic pain that is, then I realized the truth of something I hear all too often. Chronic pain is depressing.
It’s depressing to watch your life slip away, to be unable to enjoy all the things you used to do. You mourn the life you are losing, the life you lost, and it can be hard to climb out of that hole. I saw this post from Fibro Fortitude on the topic of depression and how it’s something we don’t talk about nearly enough…
“The real problems start when we stop talking. When we close up, and let that depression just fester inside of us, that is when things get dangerous.” – The Darkness
For some reason I often feel the cloud of depression descend upon me around the middle of December. I don’t know if it’s just missing the kind of Christmas I remember as a kid, and the joy that went with it, my birthday (definitely part of it), or other bad memories that are tied to this particular time of year.
Whatever the cause, I felt it coming over the last couple of weeks. Initially, I allowed it, but I tried to be open about it. I didn’t want to close people off and just wallow in my mental pain. I tried to let people know, but people knowing isn’t the same as them understanding the pain you are in. Most of those who love me have not dealt with this type of mental pain, so they have no idea what to do, or where to begin understanding. Luckily, I do have one very good friend who totally understands. So, I started by sending him a message. Unfortunately, I couldn’t connect with my friends when this was descending because of school taking over my week. The sad part is I have no idea why I let finals take over so much of my time, when a) the grade on my final had pretty much no impact on my overall grade, b) why was I even so hung up on getting an A in this class (I know why, because I was so close before I bombed those two tests). Anyway, I did my best to let my hubby know where I was at mentally, but it’s really hard for him to understand. I just needed some space initially, but mostly just needed someone to understand.
In the end, I posted on Facebook. I try to do my best to stay positive publicly, but the reality is that we all face these things, we all fall in the hole from time to time. The key is to reach out when it happens, and help each other. That’s exactly what I found when I reached out on my Facebook page, help. I was overwhelmed with the support that I received, the comments , the private messages. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate all of them. Just knowing that someone else out there understood.
[Tweet “The real problem starts, when we stop talking… Sunday Inspiration from @FortitudeFibro”]
Wednesday afternoon I came home and jumped in the bathtub very early, then climbed in bed and watched about 3 hours worth of “Don’t Trust the B* in Apt 23″. It made me laugh as only something so totally twisted can do, and laughter really is the best medicine. I woke up the next morning feeling much better. I’m still not at my usual holiday happy place, and I won’t be this year. I’ve resigned to do my best to ignore Christmas this year. We have put up no decorations, even the hall chicken is still naked (and will stay that way). I’ve no interest in hearing Christmas music even (which is very strange for me).
But, I’m here and I’m not in as dark a place as I could be. So, if you are feeling it, too, I totally understand. Don’t let anyone tell you you are wrong to feel depression, you shouldn’t feel guilty for it, it’s normal given what you are going through. That doesn’t mean you can’t fight it, we can fight it together. I’m here for you, just as so many of you have been here for me. Let’s talk about it, and get the depression out of the dark, and into the light.
Kirsten says
I’m really glad I read your post. I started with depression and anxiety in 2000 and it took 12 years to get a diagnosis of Fibromyalgia.
The pain started around 2002-2003, so depression and anxiety came first for me as well. I have been diagnosed with IBS, ovarian cysts, and Lupus in the past and have suffered from migraines off and on.
Reading what you wrote about Christmas could pretty much have been myself saying all that. That’s how I feel this year. Typically I love Christmas but after almost 2 years of being in what I term a “remission” I am back to having sleep disturbances, fatigue, fever, constant pain and also cold after cold and flu after flu that turn into bronchitis, pneumonia, strep throat etc. I am convinced it all stems from my Fibromyalgia and the accompanying sleep disorders ( I have restless legs syndrome) which leave me exhausted and I am sure affect my immune system.
So escentually I am getting more depressed and anxious and it makes me just want to sit Christmas out and stay away from people.
I get what your saying about depression and how it is not talked about enough. It really isn’t. Most people just want to sweep it under the rug and pretend it doesn’t exist. I think blogging has helped with really getting it out there and in the open but I think that most people are still scared to talk to their friends and family about it. But we should, I think there are more people out there in our lives that understand more then we give them credit for. And probably a lot that feel how we do..
Julie says
I appreciate your comment so much. This last semester has been so stressful for me that I think it’s really taken a toll on me. Combined with the extra pain from my neck and shoulder, everything just seems aggravated. Here’s hoping we both get some more sleep soon and see a return to “remission”.
Melissa says
I’ve had anxiety for as long as I can remember. I was a perfectionist until years into my Fibro and would feel intense anxiety if I didn’t complete things and do so perfectly within a set period of time. My parents never had to tell me to clean my room, to do my homework, etc. I always completed college papers including my Master’s thesis well in advance of the due date.
During my 1st semester of grad school, taking very hard economics classes, while a relationship was falling apart, I realized I was in bad shape. I went to the GP. He told me I was shaking. So, I was put on an anti-anxiety medication.
It helped as did dialing back on the stress I put on myself.
A few years went by, I had my gallbladder out after it failed for 5 years. I wound up with nerve damage. And then Fibromyalgia started. I’m grateful to my parents and my GP. Despite the fact that I was/am an adult, my father talked about me to our GP during his own appointment. He told the doctor that I seemed catatonic, that anxiety was leading to depression. I’m sure anxiety is common for those of us with chronic illness. If not as a pre-existing condition, then at least as a result of fearing our pain, fearing when the other shoe will drop and we’ll get sicker or we’ll lose more of ourselves to the illness.
Anyway, so during my father’s GP appointment, my doctor called the house to speak to me. He said not to be mad at my father for talking to him about me, that I need therapy to deal with the losses caused by my illness and that he was putting me on Zoloft immediately.
My father came home with my filled prescription. It was a God-send. The weight lifted off my chest, I slept better, the world seemed less oppressive . I started therapy and went for a few years. I speak to my therapist on the phone from time to time. She knows it’s easier for me to talk on the phone and is understanding about needing to reschedule.
This is a RIDICULOUSLY long response. The point I think is that I’m prone to anxiety, situations make it worse and depression rears its ugly head when my anxiety goes unchecked. Because I take Ultram for nerve damage and Fibro, most anti-depressants and anti-anxiety are not options. They interact badly causing serotonin syndrome. So I have to try to handle anxiety and depression via meditation, distractions and therapy. I wish I could take something to get over the hump when the depression is very bad. I’m grateful that my therapist will squeeze me in if I need help and is upfront that anything more serious would require hospitalization. Because I’m a control freak, my goal is to never wind up in that position. So I open my mouth when sadness crosses the line into feelings of hopelessness.
Irish Carter says
This was a great article on depression. I tend to have a pattern of my depression creeping up in January – February. I also loved what you shared about how even when we try to stay positive we are just human that we fall and have a bad day. With chronic pain, it kicks our butt some times. I think I am often too hard on myself about this because of being a coach. Now, I make sure I share this topic often with others. We are all human with feelings and emotions.
Great post.
Irish
Julie says
Thank you Irish. We just have to remember it’s ok. I think what happens too often is that we get down and all anyone says is “get over it’ or the equivalent, that doesn’t help. All we really want to hear is “it’s ok, I’m here for you”.
tiffany says
I totally understand what you are meaning about Christmas! Our family always did our Christmas activities Christmas eve night then Christmas morning went to church, came home and played with all the cool stuff we got the night before. We rotate holidays between B ‘s parents (both sets) and mine abd this year is our families year for Christmas. B has to work Christmas eve so I had to book our flight to st.Louis for Christmas morning (boo) …so I’ll be spending Christmas eve with B ‘s family before we head to the airport hotel. Just not feeling like a magical holiday, but I’m trying to overcome that for the kids (nieces and nephews ). It is so nice to hear that I am not the only one feeling these things this holiday season! (And thanks for the shoutout for our blog! )
Julie says
You are definitely not alone. I hope the holidays go well for you, it sounds like you have a stressful lineup happening. When I was a kid we did one present on Christmas eve, then Christmas morning we’d get up and open the rest before going to my grandparents for the day. My mom was single and the other side of my family was states away so we never had to do the multi-family run. I feel for anyone who has to do that, I just can’t imagine the energy it must take.