I’ve been struggling a lot lately. It’s not something I like to admit, I want to be strong and pretend everything is OK. But, the truth is that I’ve had a lot more bad days lately. It seems like about every third day I barely manage an hours worth of work before I’m just mentally and/or physically wiped out.
I have learned that if I just go ahead and allow myself to rest on those days rather than pushing through I can still get plenty done on the good days and I more than make up for it. Perhaps it’s my body reminding me to rest because with so much going on lately I’d likely not rest at all if I could get away with it.
I love what I’m doing with Chronic Illness Bloggers, I love writing, and I love my mom so I’m happy to help her as much as I can while she’s dealing with this cancer thing. Unfortunately, sometimes it feels like there are days or even weeks that I’m trying to do everything at once.
I know that if I pace myself, if I REALLY pace myself I can accomplish everything that I need to and then some. I may not get it all done in one day but I can get it all done.
Despite it all, despite the frustration of knowing that I SHOULD feel better… that I’ve felt better in the past so why don’t I feel better now. I know that when it’s all said and done everything will be OK. I’ve learned time and time again that things will be OK in the end and that…
- I am going through this to learn something – Every time I’ve ever looked back at anything bad in my life and thought about how I might have changed it I’ve come to the same conclusion. I wouldn’t change a thing. No matter how bad the thing was at the time, I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am today if I changed anything about my past. So, while I may not see the value in what I’m going through in that moment, I can use history to know that someday I will see value.
- How I feel about people and situations will change – There have been so many people in my life that have passed through at various times that have really changed my life. At the time I might not have cared much for them, I might have wished they weren’t in my life, but later those opinions might have changed. The alternate is also true, there have been plenty of people who I cared a great deal for at some point but later realized they weren’t good for me (or I for them) and my feelings changed. The same is true for situations. I may not like the situation now but I know that I will likely look back on it and appreciate it. I hate that my mom has cancer but I love the extra time we are spending together. I love the extra stories she is telling me, the extra hugs we are sharing. And, to think, there was a time where she was not my favorite person.
- There will always be tough times and tough choices – The hubby and I often struggle through hard times. When things get really bad for whatever reason we have a tendency to not talk as much as we should. We both try to struggle through the hard time on our own because we don’t want to weigh the other one down. We are learning and we are getting better, but what I’ve realized more than anything is that there’s never going to be a time when the tough times are past. There will always be more tough times and we have to be there for each other as we each face those tough times. There will also be plenty of tough choices. It’s hard to know in those moments if you are making the right choice, only time will tell us that. But, we will keep making those choices nonetheless.
- Complaining is a waste of time – I can spend time complaining about the hand that life has dealt me or I can use that time to make changes and get the life that I want. I prefer the latter. Sure, there are times when I need to vent. I need to just be pissed about what life is offering me in that moment, and I need someone to listen. But, then I need to accept it and move on. Continuing to focus on the bad hand that I’ve been dealt does nothing for me, and the complaining only serves to push others away.
- My happiness depends on my thoughts – Focusing on the positive won’t heal me, but it will make me a hell of a lot happier. When I focus on the negative things, the what could happens, the what should happens, I become a negative person, I get depressed, and then I get very little done. Sometimes staying positive is really freaking hard, sometimes it’s not possible and I realize in those moments that I just have to let go and give in for a little while. I just can’t get lost in the negatives. I can’t let it take over my life. I can have a pity party but it needs to have a cut-off time, then I need to return to focusing on the positive, because my happiness depends on it.
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