The Past is the Past, It’s Time to Let Go

We’ve all gone through crap in our lives. Those of us who live with chronic illness seem to have been handed a bigger pile of crap than most. But, it’s what we choose to do with that crap that matters. We can stand around and smell it and let the smell cling to our clothes and our lives, or we can plant some flowers in it and watch them grow. The past is the past, it’s time to let go and grow.

When I was 16 I chose to go live with my BioDad. I’d never really gotten to know him and I’d reached that age where I wanted a father. Things went well at first, so well that at the end of the summer when I was set to come back home to my mom and leave for college, I decided to stay with him and attend college there (it didn’t hurt that I had a boyfriend there). I started my first semester of college and things were going well. Then a few weeks in things took a turn.

I’d always heard whispers of some pretty awful things about my BioDad. I didn’t really know a lot as my mom wouldn’t talk about him (they split when I was 2). My brother, who lived with him some as a kid, would occasionally tell me things about Biodad’s temper. But, I’d never experienced it for myself because I’d never really spent time around him, and when I was around him he seemed like this awesome guy. That was the person I’d seen up to this point.

Then one night after I’d spent the entire day at class and work (after having made sure the kitchen was clean when I left), I returned home to a sink full of dishes and him asking me to get something for him. I was tired and cranky and I told him to get it himself. He blew up and rushed across the room towards me, hitting me. I ran into my bedroom to try to get away but he came after me and continued to beat me. His girlfriend interceded and ended up in the middle of it, resulting in him kicking us both out.

I’d like to say that was the end of it, but I made the mistake of letting him back in my life and a few months later received a second (much worse) beating for my trouble. I went to the police and pressed charges.

I don’t tell this story because I want anyone to feel sorry for me. I’ve long since moved on from all of this. That second beating was the last time I ever spoke to him. And, while it took some time for the hurt to go away, it did go away because I let it.

I’ve always felt that what I went through, I went through so that I could learn from it, and so that I could hopefully help others who might go through similar things, understand that they can let go.

That’s just some of the crap I’ve been through in my life. It’s not always easy to walk away from it, but I have no desire to stand around in it. Instead, I try to plant some flowers in the shit, then I walk away and view those flowers from a distance. Looking at what I’ve learned from the experience rather than reliving it again and again.

I wish I could say this was the only pile of dung in my life. The truth is it’s not. Each time something bad has happened to me it’s sucked, but I’ve pushed through and come out the other side a better person. I wouldn’t be who I am today without crawling through that shit and coming out the other side. Now, I can look back and see the flowers growing, I can see who I’ve become and what I’ve learned. I chose not to let the bad stuff stop me.

I found myself there again in 2017 after realizing that I’d spent the previous decade in a marriage that wasn’t good for me. He wasn’t physically abusive, but there were times when there was mental abuse, through words and actions. Once I finally understood that what I was living with was not healthy for me, I walked away. I planted flowers and now I look back occasionally with gratitude that I’m no longer in that place, as well as gratitude for what I learned through that period in my life.

So often, with my Spoonie friends I see people who aren’t letting go of the shit. People have mistreated them, people haven’t been there for them. And, they focus on that. They focus on how people have let them down and they assume that everyone will continue to let them down. During the height of my illness I did that and I pushed some friends who wanted to help away, assuming that they were doing things with ill intentions (I couldn’t see the flowers). When I was able to finally move beyond it and look back I could see things differently, I could see that they meant well, even if they approached things the wrong way.

It’s time to plant flowers in the shit and walk away. Stop looking at what’s been in our lives and start using it to make something better. Stop obsessing over the people who have hurt us, the way that things have gone wrong before and start thinking about what we can learn from the past and how we can change things in the future.

Related Posts:

• My past will not change, but I control my future
• Face the Past, But Focus on Today
• Why Letting Go is the Best Thing You Can Do For Yourself
• Letting Go: Living a More Simple Life