Why is it So Hard to Ask For Help?

 1. We don’t want to feel dependent on someone else

I admit it. My ex- husband used to get so frustrated at me in the early days of my illness because I wouldn’t ask for help when I so obviously needed it. I’d do anything to avoid asking for help if I could. I hated that I’d become so dependent on him, because I’ve always been a very independent person.

It took a lot for me to learn that it was OK to depend on someone else.  There was a constant worry that he would get upset when I asked him to make me a meal or empty the dishwasher, or whatever, because I couldn’t.  And, sometimes he did get upset, which only supported my fears.

2. We are afraid they will say no

We’ve all been there. We’ve asked the wrong person for help or asked at the wrong time and they’ve said no. That no feels like a rejection. We take it personal. We come up with a laundry list of reasons why they said no.

Perhaps they thought we really didn’t need help. Or, perhaps they just weren’t able to give the help we needed at the time we asked. Maybe they were already stretched too thin. I’ve honestly had to learn to say no when others ask for help because I can’t provide for myself if I’m always giving to others (whether it be time or money or anything).

It’s easy to assume that we know what’s going on in someone else’s life. But, it’s selfish of us to assume that our needs are their priority. We have to learn that it’s OK if they say no. That we can ask someone else (maybe) or perhaps we just move on and let it go. It all depends on the situation. But, we can’t let one negative response stop us from asking. Nor, can we assume that a no now means that we should never ask for help from them again.

3. We are afraid they will say yes

I’ve noticed that those of us who are more inclined to help others are also slower to accept help (or ask for it) from others. Even though we don’t expect anything in return for the help that we give we often think that others will.

We are scared to ask them for help out of fear that we will feel guilty about taking their help, that we will feel like (whether it’s true or not) they will expect something in return. And, because we don’t know what that something might be we are hesitant to ask.

I try to remind myself that when I ask for help I am giving a gift. Just as I enjoy helping other and expect nothing in return, so do others. I enjoy helping others. I get something out of doing that (a good feeling), so when I feel bad that someone is helping me and getting nothing in return I need to remember that they are getting something in return, even if it’s just the good feeling.

Related: 6 Things to Do Before You Say Yes

4. We are ashamed of our need

This shame is related to not wanting to feel dependent on others. Basically, we have convinced ourselves that we are so independent that we don’t need anyone else for anything. So, we feel shameful when we do need someone else.We feel that we shouldn’t.

So, to avoid this feeling of shame we will simply not ask because it allows us to feel like we are still in control. Hmm. In Control.

Perhaps that’s a key issue here, we are afraid to release control because if someone helps us, they may not do it the way that we want it… they may not provide for us exactly the way that we’d provide our own needs. But, we have to trust that they will do their best and be thankful for it. Because, while they may not do it our way, at least it’s done.

Related: When Chronic Illness Causes Shame, Practice Self-Compassion

5. We don’t know what to ask for

I think that often when we are dealing with major illness or loss, we just don’t know what to ask for. So often, when we go through situations like this we need so much that we just don’t know where to start. We don’t know what help someone could provide.

I was talking to my mom the other day (I get my inability to ask for help from her) and she mentioned how so many people had been offering help lately but she just doesn’t know what she could ask for.

If this is the case, hold onto those offers and when you do think of something, call them. Or, better yet, keep a list. What are the things you struggle with? When you find yourself doing something that is a struggle, write it down and then when that friend calls and asks, you have something to tell them.

6. We think we shouldn’t have to ask

We assume that the other person should just be able to see (or predict) our need and meet it.

Can’t you see I’m sick here?
Obviously, I need…..

In our minds, if they were in our shoes their needs would be the exact same so they should be able to put themselves in our shoes and see our need. On the surface it makes sense but the truth is much more complex.

First, they have to be able to put themselves in our shoes, which if they’ve never been in that situation isn’t likely. But, a bigger issue is that we assume that their needs would be the same in our situation.

When I’m sick I prefer to be left alone. So, if I’m taking care of someone else I’m likely to give them what I need. I’m likely to leave them alone. I’ll try to make sure they can reach me if they need something (give them a bell or make sure their cellphone is nearby) but I won’t hover.

Unfortunately, that person might want someone to hover. They might want someone who is there constantly for their every need, or just so that they aren’t alone.

I can’t see their need because I’m looking through my own lens and they can’t understand why I can’t see their obvious need for more attention/company. So, they don’t ask for what they need.