Living with chronic illness at times feels like you are wearing a sign that reads “Please offer unsolicited advice”. Everyone seems to want to give us advice on what we are doing wrong, how we can feel better, etc, and the truth is that most of the time we want to smack them for doing it. Often that advice comes at the worst time, it’s not want we want to hear, or more often it’s exactly the thing we’ve already tried. Nothing is more frustrating that feeling like someone giving you advice to do something you are already doing (or have done). Even worse, is when you respond with “yeah I’ve done that” or “I’m doing that” and they continue on without pausing to hear your answer. It just makes me want to scream! It also makes me even more hesitant to ever ask for advice. Why ask, when you are going to get plenty without asking!?
This week I read a great post from Meg Selig, on 9 Ways to Avoid the Pitfalls of Advice Giving and Still Help, and I thought it was such brilliant advice. The only problem is that it’s addressed to our friends, who love us, but who aren’t likely to read it. That’s not to say that we aren’t guilty at times of committing the same errors, so it’s worth a read. What I want to do is take Meg’s post as inspiration for dealing with unsolicited advice.
- Set Boundaries – When you start a conversation with a friend and you need to vent, let them know that you are only venting, and that you are not looking for advice. You will likely have to state this each time. This is especially a struggle between men and women. Men automatically want to fix things, especially when dealing with someone they love. They don’t want to see their loved one’s upset, so they try to fix the problem. What they don’t realize is that they are often creating more problems.
- Be Specific – When you do want advice or input be very specific about what advice you are looking for. Are you looking for advice on ways to get better exercise? Or options to reduce your pain? The more specific you are about what you need from someone the more likely they are to give you what you need.
- Be Open – When you do ask for advice or feedback, be open to whatever that feedback is. You don’t have to agree with it, but don’t let their advice make you upset. Understand that they are wanting to help you because they care about you, and their advice comes from that place. Try not to get mad, instead allow yourself to really think about their advice, even if it’s just in the back of your head. You may find that as much as their advice bugs you initially, it may be because it’s exactly the advice you need to hear.
- Remember They Care – Above all else, remember that this person cares about you, and that’s why they want to help. If you doubt that their advice comes from a good place, then you may want to question your relationship and whether or not they are helping you or harming you. As much as it frustrates me to get unsolicited advice, this is the main thing I fall back on. I try to get out of the conversation or change the subject, while reminding myself that they just want to help because they care.
What ways have you found to deal with the unsolicited advice that comes your way regarding your health? Are there certain people that just always seem to want to give you advice without stopping to ask whether or not you want it?
Heather Hammel says
This is very good information especially since people are always saying stupid stuff like, “Get more sleep” and “If you take glucosamine, you’ll be fine.” The Rheumatologist I had seen who diagnosed me with Fibro, but also kind of acted like I was making my pain and stuff up, told me I need to exercise more. I told her I walk my dogs but it is really difficult for me to do anymore than that. And she sturnly told me that I have to make myself do it. That really got me mad because I do try and push myself to do things but there are some things that I can’t do anymore and I also don’t want to overdo things.
Julie says
Obviously, she doesn’t have dogs or she’d realize that that can be quite a workout. Heck, I don’t have dogs and I realize that.
Valda Garner says
Hi Julie, Yeah, for some reason or other people don’t have a clue what we have been through and all the things we have tried to make ourselves feel better and to have more energy. The advice that is offered borders on ridiculous and some times I hardly have the patience for it. Good post as usual! Take care. Warmly, Valda
Julie says
Thank you Valda. We have enough things eating our energy without arguing over stupid advise. Conserve your energy and walk away. It’s probably another reason why many of us just avoid the conversations to begin with.
Toni says
I always say I’ll ask my doctor about it and leave it at that. I’ve found that the less I say, the better.
Julie says
Good reply. I agree the more you try to respond the more they feel they need to respond back and it just keeps the cycle going.
Donna Grant says
Great advice Julie and something I need to pay attention to at the moment. I’m normally quite laid back but have found myself losing it recently re: advice givers. Normally I can turn a deaf ear/let it go but I just couldn’t help but get frustrated. I’ve felt like I’ve tried so many things over this past year in an attempt to feel better and to hear people rabbit on about just needing to change diet (something I’ve done myself and got professional help with) or change my mindset is infuriating. Especially when said advice is given because they don’t feel fibro is a valid diagnosis and there must be something else. I especially don’t like when people with temporary illness/problems decide to impart wisdom- it’s like because they saw an improvement you should too, even though it is a completely different situation.
Julie says
Every situation is unique. I think the ones that frustrate me the most are the “you must not be doing it enough” ones…whatever IT might be. They start by saying you should do IT, then when you tell them you have already tried it or are doing IT, their response is that you need more of IT… it’s never enough. frustrating.