The good thing about rock bottom is you have two options. You can lie in the filth you created and quit. That was never an option for me. The other: there is only one way out, and that is up! – cdmitchell, the stories behind the stories.
This quote struck home for me. I’ve been there – at rock bottom. I was at that point where I felt like suicide would be a really good option. I was ready to give up. I can honestly say that the only thing that held me back was thinking about how my Mom would feel if I chose that route. I know it would hurt Paul, too. But, I guess I’ve spent my life thinking about how my decisions would impact my mom, and I’ve spent my life often making decisions based solely on how she would react, avoiding her disappointment, her hurt. I rarely recall her being really angry when I was growing up. I can think of twice that come to mind. Once, I don’t recall what I did other than generally being a bratty teenager. Whatever it was that I did or said that day, it was enough to make my mom cuss. That was the only time growing up that I remember her cussing. And being so rare, it stood out. The other time was when a boyfriend of mine disrespected her, he talked back to her, something you didn’t do. I knew better. She went off on him. He didn’t do it again. Mostly, I just wanted to avoid seeing her disappointed. She’d had enough of that in life just from my “sperm donor”.
So, there I was at rock bottom and I had two choices. I could give up, or I could go UP. As they say, when you keep doing the same things and the same things aren’t working, it’s time to do something else. So, I did. I sought help by way of a Psychiatrist. I told my family what was going on and I asked them to help by checking in on my daily. They did. I started looking for other ways to improve my chronic pain and fatigue besides the very few options that the doctors kept giving me. I was ready and willing to try anything, and try anything I did. I embraced alternative medicines that sounded like a bunch of “whoo hoo”, I changed my diet in every way possible. I tried. And, it worked. I felt better.
It’s not been all perfect sunshine and roses. There have been bad days and bad times, and even times I’ve headed back down that road towards Rock Bottom all over again. The difference is that this time I realized what road I was on before I got very far and I called out for help a little earlier. It’ll happen again and hopefully next time I’ll find the road even faster than before. I will continue to learn and grow and change.
Have you hit rock bottom? What did you do to find your way up? (Share your thoughts in the comments below)