According to this study that was recently published, female Fibromyalgia patients have less of a neural response when seeing others in pain (we are less empathetic). Now, I read this and I was surprised for a moment. I think I’m a pretty empathetic person. I hate to see others in pain, if someone else starts crying I’m pretty likely to cry right along with them – even if that someone is in a movie and I don’t know them, and they aren’t real. After reading the study abstract I said out-loud “That’s interesting”, to which Paul asked what and I told him what I’d read. His response was “Yeah, it’s true.”
I was a little hurt at first, but then he went on to explain what he meant. He pointed out that when he’s sick or in pain I’m very quick to comment “Yeah, well I deal with that all the time.” or “Now, imagine what it’s like to deal with that 24/7.”, and not acknowledge his pain and how much it is hurting him at that moment. I had to admit that he was right, that I do that. And try as I might to put myself in his shoes about that point, I couldn’t really do it. I could apologize for being that way, but I’m not sure I know how to change it.
What I can’t help but wonder is, is it possible to empathize with people that we don’t see in an equal or worse situation than ourselves? I mean I can look at a friend in the hospital and see her pain and I feel terrible for her… To some degree I know what she’s dealing with, but at the same time I’ve not been in a situation that bad so I know she’s got to be in a lot of pain. When I see my Fibro friends talk about their current pain levels I can empathize because I really do know what they are talking about and I know how bad their pain is.
Sometime last year Paul had some sort of abdominal issue. He’s had a recurring pain over the last few years that I’m pretty sure are gallbladder attacks. When this happens to him I do empathize. I’ve been there and I know how painful that is. I hate to see it and I would do anything to take it away. When I can see his pain I feel it. But, when it’s a crazy leg cramp or a headache or a cut or any other pain that I see as something small, I can’t empathize. When it’s a sinus infection or a cold, I can’t empathize. I know to some degree that’s just part of being a women and him being a man (or so the tv would lead me to believe) – that men make a bigger deal out of small pains that women just work through because others rely on us. But, I do think that probably dealing with Fibromyalgia has amplified that to some degree.
It’s hard to empathize with others when their pain level is moderate and you know it will be short-lived, when you look at them and can’t help but think… if they are in this bad of a shape now, there’s no way they could deal with living in my body. At the same time I think it is a bit of a two-way street, it’s hard for them to empathize with us after a while, when they’ve seen us in pain for so long that they can’t really tell when we are in pain or when we aren’t, because it’s a constant state of being and we learn to represent ourselves as “ok” even when we aren’t.
photo credit: Beaulawrence via photopin cc
Darren says
“I know to some degree that’s just part of being a women and him being a man (or so the tv would lead me to believe) – that men make a bigger deal out of small pains that women just work through because others rely on us.”
That is a terrible thing to say, talk about stereotyping! I wonder now if, as a male diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and having predominately female GP’s presiding over me whether or not I’m being subjected to the same bigoted attitudes.
Just because you feel you are experiencing more pain than someone else doesn’t invalidate their experience. Pain is a very personal experience and does not relate well between individuals.
To declare that your pain is more valid than his demonstrates a very ‘poor me’ attitude and hints towards Narcissism.
Try not to beleive everything you see or hear on the TV!
Julie says
Generally, you are correct and I’ve even written on that topic. Sadly, yes the world would have us believe that men hurt less than women and that does lead to a lot of issues with men who have chronic pain. It’s not that there aren’t just as many men with chronic pain, but it is more difficult for you for so many reasons, from an unwillingness (for many men) to even admit their pain. On the other hand, men tend to be believed more when they do actually report their pain – at least by male doctors. But, yes, just as women have a harder time getting male doctors (and often female too) to believe our pain, men have a difficult time getting female doctors to believe theirs. There are huge issues on all sides.
wingslikeeagles23 says
I am so like that. When someone is ill with something short lived like a cold, or the flu, I am really not very sympathetic. Because I get those too, along with all the other pain I have from fibro and Interstitial Cystitis. In fact, unless someone is in pain from a chronic illness or a life threatening illness like cancer, I tend to have a “if only you knew what real pain is” attitude. I try to rationally override this, but it is hard. What hurts me the most is when someone I know gets diagnosed with fibro or IC. I wouldn’t wish either of them on anyone.
The Girl in Yoga Pants says
I do this too, but I didn’t realize it until I read this. I had to grin when I read, “there’s no way they could deal with living in my body,” because I think that exact same thing all the time.
txchronicmom says
I find myself doing the same thing. While I sympathize with others who are in pain, I really can’t help to think to myself that they would never survive in my body. It’s interesting that other fibro-ites feel that way as well.