Those of us who live with chronic pain typically develop amazing acting skills. Our skills are so great that we often fool ourselves into believing the play we are putting on. Certainly those around us have no clue that we are in pain. We smile, we are happy, we laugh and not once do they see us cringe. But, the truth is that the pain is always there.
I’ve gotten so good at ignoring my pain and acting like I’m just fine that I often don’t realize that I’m still hurting until I stop to think about it. Thinking about it reminds me that it’s there and then I say “oh yeah, that does still hurt.” Of course, there are times that the pain is just there and I can’t avoid it but still it doesn’t show on my face unless it’s really bad.
The ability to mask pain on my face is not something I’ve worked on or even something I realized I had until my myofascial release therapist commented on it. We all eventually wince when we are in pain. But, evidently, it takes a lot longer for me to wince. When it comes to PT especially I will do my best to grin and bear it knowing that it’s going to hurt some. Eventually, it will reach a point where I can’t take it anymore and that’s when it shows up on my face and everyone around me knows that I’m in pain… and only then.
I do believe that our ability to mask pain is a direct result of the time we’ve spent learning to ignore pain. It becomes a coping mechanism of sorts. I can completely ignore pain /pretend it’s not there up until it hits about a 5 or 6. If someone I need to be honest with asks me how I’m doing I have to stop and think about it really hard before I answer. I have to take a moment and really listen to my body and what’s it’s saying (what I’ve been ignoring). Even so, under a 5 and I’m still “ok”, “not bad”, “could be worse” and probably saying it honestly & with a real smile on my face. It’s only when they think to ask my pain # that they find out what that really means.
There are two big problems with this.
1. I need to make sure that I’m displaying my pain in a way that the doctor understands it. When I don’t look like I’m in pain yet I’m telling them I’m at a 5 or 6 it’s really easy for some of them to say “Oh, she’s got a pain identity” rather than to realize that I’ve learned to hide the pain. I have to make sure that I actually look like I feel and that I express myself in a way that is clear to the doctor.
2. I may be ignoring pain that I shouldn’t ignore. I’ve had this shoulder issue for going on three years now and no one has figured out the cause and nothing has really helped. The only things that keep the pain down are completely avoiding certain activities. As long as I don’t do certain things the pain isn’t really noticable and I can go on about my day. But, here’s what I’m giving up – I can’t write (with a pen or pencil), I can’t create art, I can’t do exercises that require a lot of shoulder movement, I can’t wear a bra. When this pain started I ignored it a little… it was excruciating but I didn’t want to go to the ER. I figured I’d just twisted wrong so I just went to the chiro. As a result it took about a month to get any sort of scans done. By then the pain had moved from my entire back to my shoulder (which is all that’s been scanned, poked, and prodded). So, maybe had I gone to the ER and not tried to ignore my pain I’d have an answer? Maybe not. Who knows. I do know that it’s not a good idea to ignore new pains. Pain is a sign that something is wrong and we need to figure out what that is before it becomes chronic.
As much as I know that I need to be more honest about my pain, I need to be clear about my pain to my doctors, and, I need to make sure I’m not ignoring pain, I don’t want to see all my pain or to have others see it all. If I couldn’t ignore it and distract myself from it that would mean it would hurt that much more. I can’t imagine that kind of agony. There’s no way I could write or work. There’s no way I could enjoy LIFE. There’s no way I could live as that would be no life at all. So if my choices are hide the pain where even I don’t see it or live in such agony that I’d likely have ended it already. I choose a life of blissful ignorance. A life where I don’t focus the pain until I have no choice.
Marita Roebert says
Thank you for putting into words what we face so many times on a daily basis. For me, launching into a litany of complaints every time I’m asked about my well-being would equal taking on fibro as an identity and that I refuse to do. It will not define me.
Julie says
Totally agree with you about refusing to allow myself to be absorbed into my Fibro. Plus, focusing on all those symptoms just brings them to the forefront of my mind so that I feel them more.