Sometimes I worry that people will read my blog and see the positivity I try to share, and the fact that I’ve said I feel I’ve recovered from Fibromyalgia and think that that means I’m 100% hunky-dory and never have a bad day. But, that’s not the truth. I still have bad days and I don’t try to pretend otherwise, but that doesn’t mean that sometimes I don’t pretend that everything is OK when it’s not.
I just read a great post by Toni Bernhard on denial and chronic illness. She talked about how we can often make our situations much worse by pretending we are OK.
I’m most likely to pretend when I’m dealing with people who don’t really know me. I don’t really like to talk about myself, especially in person. So, if I’m not doing well I’ll do my best to hide it, to pretend I’m OK. With the exception of doctors, who I’ve learned you have to be straight up with otherwise they won’t get just how bad you are, I’ll do my best to act like everything is OK.
And, this is how I found myself hand-scoring a Psych lab study this week. I’ve been working for various Psych professors for the last few semesters doing different lab studies, or doing online research. I started with a new one this semester because I really like her topics (most of her focus is on learning and memory). The studies are much more in-depth than others I’ve worked with and where others I’ve worked on the grad student (or Prof) doing the study does the scoring this one each lab assistant scores their own.
It wouldn’t seem like much really, just writing C, I, S, with a number after each, but it adds up after a few times for me. I think I got through two participants before it really started hurting my arm/shoulder. For the last 18 months I’ve done everything I could to avoid hand-writing things because hand-writing and wearing a bra are the two things that most cause me pain in my shoulder. I know this but I didn’t speak up. Why? Because I didn’t want the attention. I didn’t want the I’m sorry’s, the looks, the curiosity. I just wanted to pretend I was normal.
When I did finally speak up there were two others in the room (one grad student and one under-grad). The grad student and older lady with pain issues of her own totally understood and offered to finish my scoring. The under-grad (who I think is still fairly close to my age) got this look and made this noise like she didn’t seem to think it was OK that I wasn’t doing my own scoring. The funny thing was I’d told her about the issue previously because she did my basic training for this lab. She just kind of brushed me off then and I should have spoken up to someone else who had a say.
So, yes. Pretending everything is OK does hurt us. Sometimes quite literally. Pretending takes a lot of effort. Sometimes it causes actual pain, sometimes it causes fatigue (mental and physical) because we wear ourselves out pretending. Sometimes it hurts our potential to connect with others because they don’t get the chance to see the real us. Sometimes it causes mental pain because all that added physical pain and fatigue is just depressing.
And yes, sometimes being honest is stressful, too. Just like dealing with that one person today was a bit stressful. But, it would be a lot more stressful in the long-run (not to mention painful) if I kept pretending. So, which one is worse?
It's time to stop pretending that everything is OK. It only hurts worse in the long-run. Share on XIt’s time to stop pretending.
Sherri says
I think we have to do what’s best for us at the time. Sometimes that might mean fibbing a bit. Other times, we might want to be brutally honest.
This comes from an interesting debate I had with a friend. He doesn’t have fibro, but he does have plenty to deal with, physically and emotionally.
Put aside the fact that he doesn’t want to be a downer, or march out all the stuff he’s going through at the moment… He said he usually tells people he’s fine because he’s trying to convince his brain that he is.
And it helps him.
That must be the old “fake it til you make it” routine. And it is a valid method.
But I still prefer to choose the honesty route. Maybe because I believed for decades the lies I told myself about me, mostly having to do with my self worth. So it’s therapy for me. A practice.
And it helps me. 🙂
Julie says
I’m admittedly still in the habit of saying “I’m fine.” Most of the time it doesn’t matter and I think doing that is OK. But, there are times when it does matter and those are the times that saying “I’m fine” or just agreeing to do things bites you in the butt and I end up wishing that I’d just been honest from the start rather than having to back into it and explain.
Donna says
Great post. I think we can be great pretenders. I can act like nothing is wrong with me, yet still feel like hell. Like you say, it can be so detrimental to our health. It also can cause problems when we do open up because people find it difficult to understand we are okay one minute and not the next.
Julie says
so true.