Stop Confusing “should” and “need”

I grew up being taught that things you should do were the same thing as things you need to do. This was especially reinforced with church. I’m sure that being a committed Christian meant that you SHOULD be in church as often as possible, that you should give as much as you can, that you should help others, etc; however, I was raised being taught that those were not “shoulds” but rather requirements or “needs”. We were in church at least 3 times a week, we went to visitation on Thursday, I attended youth group, Sunday school, and even Sunday afternoon “training” (I don’t even remember what that was called, but it was like second Sunday School). I volunteered on the bus route, was part of the puppet ministry, and for a year even sang in the choir (I’m sure the music minister hated that). I did all of these things not necessarily because I wanted to, but because I felt like I was required to do so.

I think that, too often, this is how we live our lives. We do things because we feel that we are required to do so, we feel that we NEED to do something, and by need I mean that in the same way that we need food, water, and sleep. We are confusing should and need. The truth is that there are a lot of thing we need in life; for starters we need to breathe, we need food, we need water, we need sleep, and we need to complete bodily functions. Only after we do all of those things can we move on to less pressing needs. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs suggests only after we accomplish those basic neccesities  are we even able to proceed to the next level of needs. So, assuming that you’ve met all your basic needs, what’s next? Safety. That means making sure that your needs for safety and security are met, that you have a roof over your head, clothes on your back. Are you starting to see a trend here? You NEED to take care of yourself before you SHOULD worry about other people.
[Tweet “You NEED to take care of yourself before you SHOULD worry about other people.”]

What I see too many of us with chronic illness doing is worrying about everyone else needs, and even wants, before they worry about their own needs. You can’t provide for anyone else if you aren’t providing for yourself first. We get confused we forget that “should” is not the same as “need”, nor is “want” the same as “need”. The third level in the need hierarchy is “belonging” or “friendship”, and I can see where this confusion of “should” and “need” where it relates to others can come into play here. We need to belong, we need to socialize, we need people, and often we can get confused, and think that in order to have people around us we must give everything of ourselves and ask nothing in return. We ask to belong at the price of so many things that we need much more, and what we get in return is not true belonging or true friendship. True friendship does not ask us to give everything of ourselves, true friendship and true love asks us to give only what we are capable, and true friendship/ true love gives back just as much.
[Tweet “You can’t provide for anyone else if you aren’t providing for yourself first. “]

I propose this need pyramid, this is the order of importance we need to place on needs, because we can’t provide for anyone elses needs if we aren’t providing for our own.