The Delicate Balance of Being Enough

This guest post on Turning Straw Into Gold, along with the post from Toni Bernhard, that she referred to, really got me thinking about the balance beam that we walk with chronic illness. We play a constant game that I’m going to call – The Delicate Balance of Being Enough.

When you live with a chronic illness, like Fibromyalgia, there is a constant worry that you aren’t doing enough to pull your own weight. We often end up over-doing it to feel like we’ve done enough. Am I good enough spouse? A good enough parent? Am I working hard enough? Am I taking enough classes? Am I doing enough? Those are constant questions that I know I ask myself (except for the parent part, since I don’t have kids). Once upon a time I brought in the higher portion of income to our household, however as I got sick and as my husband worked his way up the ladder, that changed. And, now I barely bring home anything. It’s more than I’d make on disability and I’m not even close to the point of considering that option yet. I’m also back in school and it’s a constant balance with that. I want to finish school, but I know that I have limits. So, I’m trying to go slow. But, at the same time I feel like I have to prove that I’m putting forth this effort. I have to balance trying to finish school with feeling like I’m adding enough to the household.

On the other hand, there’s the looks I get when people find out I’m sick. I don’t look sick. I’m doing all these normal things that normal people do, going to school, trying to create an income. Going in and asking for disability services at school was difficult. I worry that I’m going to get instructors that don’t believe I’m sick. That question my need for accommodations. Of course, the fact that I rarely tell anyone I don’t feel well doesn’t help. If someone asks me how I am the answer is always “I’m ok.” there are a handful of people who I give that answer to, only to stop and think about it and change my answer to the truth. However, even then I don’t go into details. I don’t want to be a whiner. Lately, I’ve been on a vicious roller coaster. The 8am class through July really wore me out and I’m still not quite recovered. I worry that I won’t be recovered before classes start again in  two weeks.

She talks about this in the post I linked at the top. This need to prove that we are sick. For some of us, who have already started the process to receive disability, it’s about proving you are really sick enough to deserve disability. Getting not just the disability services, but those around you to realize that just because there’s a day here and there where you feel decent. Or, just because you decide to stretch beyond your comfort level and do something that you probably shouldn’t be doing physically, because it will make you feel better mentally, that doesn’t mean that you aren’t sick. Just because we show up and we’ve made an effort to look good, and we put a smile on our face, doesn’t mean we suddenly feel good, or that we are better. Are we doing the healthy a disservice by now looking sick enough? On the other hand, if we look too sick then that offends too. Just another tightrope walk down the delicate balance of being enough – sick enough, healthy enough, wife enough, giving enough, accepting enough, providing enough. Enough.

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Where do you encounter this balance the most in your life? How do you deal with it when it comes up?