“Sometimes it’s better not to post.” – This was a comment that I received on Twitter following last Monday’s post. I have no idea if the person who left that comment actually ready my blog post, or if they were basing it simply off the first line of the post about how I was struggling to write. It doesn’t matter. They are right. Sometimes it probably is better not to post at all. But, I’m not sure when those times are.
While I hope that others find what I write helpful, most of what I write is written for myself as much as for you. It’s written because I need the help. I need to be reminded of something. I try to be positive but it’s not always easy. I struggle with being vulnerable here, with ripping off my mask and letting you see the dark side. The truth is that the dark side definitely exists in me. I struggle often. I typically stay in my head with those struggles. Perhaps I think too much (that’s what my therapist says – yes I have a therapist).
Struggle or no, I want to be positive. I say that I want to inspire others to live a positive life despite their illness, the truth is that I want to inspire myself to do the same. But, it’s not something I can just do. It takes work. I don’t wake up happy every day. Sometimes I wake up really pissed off at the world. When that happens I allow it to happen, but I don’t allow myself to stay there. I try to make choices to pull myself out of that place. Whether it’s simply spending some time in meditation, grabbing breakfast at my favorite place, or chunking the whole day and going to visit a friend. Note that I said, “I try” to do this. 1. It doesn’t always work, and 2. I don’t always succeed in making those choices. Some days I just sit in my chair in my living room and stare at a screen knowing that there are things that need to be done, but not being able to face those things. Perhaps on those days I need to spend even more time in meditation – it would be far more productive than Facebook.
Life is full of choices.
Every day is nothing more than a series of choices. I just sat having coffee with a friend. In doing so I chose to not work for that time. One of the things we talked about was how we are where we are but for a series of choices. Everything that happens in our lives requires a choice. Yes, there are some thing we can’t really choose (we don’t choose to have a chronic illness, we don’t choose to be attacked) but there are choices involved, and we can choose how we react to what has happened to us.
I didn’t choose to have a chronic illness. But, knowing that stress plays a huge role in all my illnesses, I can make choices to reduce the stress and type of stress in my life. Unfortunately, there are some stresses that I’ve lived with for years without even identifying them. I saw the stress but always believed that the stress was caused by something else. In fact, the stress was caused by my choices. I chose to allow things that caused me stress, rather than choosing to walk away from those things. Sometimes stress is situational and sometimes we can change our situation. Sometimes it’s not situational, sometimes we just need to make a different choice.